The Lying Doctor
by AllINeedIsALittleFelix
Summary: John and Sherlock thoughts in the Lying Detective. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Something I had to get off my chest.**

Empty. That was how John felt.

 _Being Mary Watson is the only life worth living_

With that sentence, his whole world as he knew it, changed into an alien species. He was _repelled_ by who he was.

 _Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wish you could see someone else?_

He was a monster. An absolute monster. A pathetic excuse of a human being. Here he was, living with a dedicated wife and the most amazing daughter he could have asked for, and yet. It wasn't enough. He wanted more.

He felt disgusted with himself.

He felt unworthy of the Mary's and Sherlock's love. Mary loved him with all her heart. And, John, the monster he was, easily betrayed her confidence. She didn't even know. John would have preferred anger, screaming and shouting, perhaps even a gunshot or two. But the _overwhelming guilt_ that she died in his arms, thinking that he was the most perfect person she knew, behaving like _she_ did not deserve his love. _That_ John could never get past. He was always letting people down, especially when they needed him the most.

Sherlock, on the other hand, loved him more than Mary. John surmised as much during the CAM bonfire incident. _Sherlock_ saved him, not the super talented and professional assassin that was his bride to be. Frankly, John didn't care what kind of love it was. Everyone thought that it was John Watson who keeping Sherlock humane. It was the other way round. The list of things Sherlock did for John were endless.

And he hit him. Very hard. Just at the moment Sherlock he needed him the most. Drug-addled,confused, scared. Sherlock _needed_ John on his side. And, John? He kicked Sherlock. That wasn't even the worst part. No. The worst part was that Sherlock _accepted._

 _No, it's okay. He's entitled to._

He seemed to have accepted John's completely irrational anger. The way Sherlock looked at him. God. He looked like he was willing to do _anything_ so that John would stay. Sherlock accepted that it was his fault Mary died even though it wasn't. Sherlock Holmes, one of the smartest and dangerous people alive, high functioning sociopath, not a care about what other people think, enormous ego, was just lying there, letting John do whatever he wanted.

Because Sherlock Holmes preferred John's hatred rather than not having John Watson in his life at all.

John stared at his hand, smeared in Sherlock's blood. What had he become?

SHSHSH

The stupid, stupid idiot.

He was playing with his life just beacuse John would come back to him?

What an _utter_ idiot.

John ran, he ran like there was no tomorrow. Indeed there wasn't. I f Sherlock...if he died, died in the chase of earning back John's friendship, John would have two persons blood on him. Mary and Sherlock. Both of them dying to save John Watson and the things he loved the most.

He couldn't.

Not again.

This was his shot at redemption and he was damn well going to take it. He didn't care about his own life anymore.

Not when his whole world was threatened.

SHSHSHSH

For the first time, John and Sherlock needed words to talk about how they were feeling.

 _I cheated on her_

John let his words flow, every word soothing his conscience, every sentence lightening his guilt ridden heart. He spoke, determined to confess. To tell Sherlock everything. It was his apology.

 _That's the whole point. The man you thought I was...is the man who I want to be._

And, John truly thought he was incapable of making someone feel that way. He felt incapable of anything. He was a mess, a mess even Sherlock didn't deserve.

 _Text her. She likes you._

Truly, Sherlock Holmes deserved the kind of love John received from Mary. Sherlock Holmes _deserved_ that. Not John Watson.

 _It is what it is_

He melted in Sherlock's arms, _amazed_ that after all that John had put Sherlock through, he was _still_ here. That he _still_ loved John.

And John was not going to mess around this time. No way.

It was a new beginning. A shit beginning. But it was a beginning.

It was time to become the man he wanted to be.

A man worthy of the love he received.

 **A/N: Hope you liked it! Let me know what you think. Next chap: Shelock's POV**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Enjoy! It's a Sherlock POV**

 _Go to hell, Sherlock._

 _Go to hell like you mean it._

 _If he thinks you need him, I swear he'll be there_

Wrong, Mary.

He doesn't want Sherlock anymore.

Everything has changed. John Watson? Sherlock no longer knew him. He changed, changing Sherlock's entire view point of the world along with him. The John Watson he knew was kind. The John Watson he knew was a doctor. More importantly, his John Watson was fair. _His_ John would have never, _ever,_ doubted Sherlock. The fact that John needed reminding of Sherlock's intellectual prowess ("Please remember that you are standing exactly where I said you would be standing two weeks ago), that Sherlock was not mad. They had an unspoken deal, Sherlock and John. It involved trust. No matter how strange Sherlock's suspicions get, John Watson was _always_ there. Believing in Sherlock Holmes.

The John Watson he knew always, _always_ put others problems above his. He was just. When John kicked him in the mortuary, it was a monumental shift of the world. Sherlock felt guilty, _of course_ he was guilty. He had called Mary to the aquarium after all. But, his brain told him that it _wasn't_ his fault. It was Mary's choice. His brain also told him that John would realise this of his own. Because John Watson was always righteous and fair.

The mortuary changed didn't mind John hitting him. Sherlock knew grief took strange forms. He understood John's anger. He lay crumpled on the ground, silently begging, yes begging for John to forgive him. John didn't.

That moment, that _very_ moment, John Watson was an alien, an unknown person to him. The John Watson he knew died with Mary. For the first time, Sherlock realised that John Watson could no longer be a part of his life. It was time to say goodbye.

SHSHSH

When Culverton was strangling him, Sherlock had given up. He had accepted his fate. He didn't want to die. But, he didn't want to live either. He was already jumping between the lines of life and death, long before Smith asphyxiated him.

But when John rushed in to save him, Sherlock didn't know what to feel. It was a rush, a rush even an overdose could never provide, it was _euphoria._ One look at John's face and Sherlock found everything he needed to know.

 _His_ John was back.

Sherlock could have jumped with joy. He knew there were things they still had to talk about. His rational mind was telling him John acted out of instinct. Their relationship was shaky as ever. Just because John saved him wouldn't mean he would _stay._ But still, he was happy that John had become his former self, the wisest and the bravest man he knew. It was nice to see the angel who was shrouded in a demon.

SHSHSH

"I thought we were just hanging out"

The truth hits Sherlock like ice. Of course. Stupid. He doesn't want this. It's a burden. He's doing this out of _moral responsibility_. Suddenly, he didn't want John's pity anymore. Unless...

"Are you ok?"

Grief. It took strange forms. It comes with devastation and takes devastation with it. Sherlock was no stranger to grief and suffering. It had ruined John Watson and had replaced the good doctor with a monster. And as a friend, Sherlock had failed again. He should have sent Molly, Lestrade or _someone_ with whom John would talk to. Pent-up grief was one of the worst things that could happen to a human being.

Both of them revelled in their shortcomings. Their faults. Things they should have done differently. But, both of them were willing to try. Suddenly, in that desolate "toxic dump", John and Sherlock realised that their realtionship is the only thing they have in this world. They embraced, words of unspoken love and apologies ran high in the air.

It was a new beginning.

 **A/N: God, the part where Sherlock is like we all are humans. And John is like, even you? And Sherlock replies even you. They both are each others highest standards of men and its soooo romantic.**

 **Let me know what you think!**


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